BEGONE!
by Lady Merlin
Summary: just a little something for all the fellow writers out there trying to bring Jack back. a humorous fic on what Jack does in hell. He'll come out alive, trust me


Heya, this is something I thought up that people might like to satisfy the evil thingies in their heads while finishing their stories on how to got Jack back. I'm not thaaaat able to do it, working on it but still, so here's some encouragement. I don't own Jack. If I did, Elizabeth would be with Jack, and Will OVERBOARD!

Jack woke up, sitting in a red field of red flowers, the sky was red, the soil was red and the wind blowing in his face was warm, and red. Looking at all of this, he thought of one thing, "rum." And got up, looking for the source of the ruby red elixir that he could not live without.

Wandering along, examining the condition of one of his rings, Jack bumped into something, or should I say, someone. He looked up to see a black body. "'ello." He said, and began sauntering along again. The fearsome figure looked at him, obviously surprised. It growled and appeared in front of him. "ah, you again." Jack said. "Do you know where the rum is?" he asked.

"THERE IS NO RUM!" the creature bellowed, hoping to intimidate Jack, but to no avail.

"WHAT!" wailed Jack, in a voice much higher than his own. "NO RUM? WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE DO DOWN HERE?" he yelled.

And evil twinkle appeared in the figures two glittering black eyes. Or should I say SIX black eyes. Yes, it was Cerberus, the hellish three headed dog from the bowels of hell. "Let me show you." And Jack found himself whirling through space at the speed of light.

He appeared in a room, all was peaceful, until Cerberus pointed out a bed full of nails. "We make people sleep on that, and listen to their tortured screams, lull us to sleep."

"why?" Jack asked.

"because we like to torture people." It said, slightly irritated at his stupidity. But Jack had a plan.

"why?" he asked, looking abnormally innocent.

"because we're evil." It growled.

"why?"

"life made us so!"

"why?"

"SHUT UP ALREADY!" bellowed Cerberus.

"why?" Jack asked. Cerberus growled and whipped him along to a new place.

"Here, we quarter people, stew them, and feed them to our prisoners."

"yummy." Jack said, smacking his lips. Cerberus himself looked disgusted and whipped him along again.

"here, is one of our worst rooms." Said Cerberus in a voice that would have commanded respect from all over the world.

"oh?" asked Jack pleasantly.

"yes, here, we shut you in this room, and make you listen to Britney Spears forever. Look in here." Cerberus said, pointing at a window. Jack looked in, to see people writhing on the floor clawing at their ears in obvious agony.

"doesn't look so bad." Jack commented.

"oh yeah? You try it." Cerberus said and opened the door. Jack sauntered in. Cerberus shut the door, chuckling at the horrible fate that awaited the great Captain Jack Sparrows.

30 days later, Cerberus opened the door.

"'ello." Jack said, once Cerberus had poked him awake.

Cerberus looked shocked. "that wasn't so bad." Jack commented, yet again. Cerberus had never been more surprised in his life. "in fact, I like it." Jack said, before bursting into a chorus of 'Toxic'. Cerberus howled and dragged him off into yet another dimension.

"This, is THE WORST ROOM POSSIBLE." Cerberus said, trying to mentally convince himself that Jack would never survive this. "Here, you have to do math for hours, and hours, and hours." Himself, shuddering at the prospect, "And listen to Shakespeare the whole while!"

"who's Shakespeare?" Jack asked. Cerberus groaned and pushed Jack into the room, trying to relieve himself of Jack's annoying voice. He had a migraine.

A couple of hours later, Jack came out. "tortured yet?" Cerberus asked.

"To Be Or Not To Be, That Is The Question!" Jack quoted, acting it out with relish.

"What about the math?" groaned Cerberus.

"I can't read, so I can't do math!" Jack cried.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" howled Cerberus, up into the red sky. "EVEN HELL SPITS YOU OUT! BEGONE!" Cerberus barked, and Jack felt himself being flung up, up, up…

When he came to, he found himself aboard the Black Pearl, crew and all. "THE BLACK PEARL!" he cried, and flung himself on one of the masts and kissed it.

His crew was staring at him, and after they had got over him coming back and everything, Elizabeth asked him, "how was hell?"

Jack looked at her with watering eyes and cried, "IT WAS HORRIBLE!" the crew winced. They felt such pity for their captain, until, "THEY HAD NO BLOODY RUM!" they sighed. If Jack was worried about nothing but rum, he must have not really cared.

Many, Many, Many years later, Jack was on his deathbed. Will, Elizabeth, and Keira, his daughter were all standing there. Jacks' once black hair was grey, but that twinkle in his eyes was still there. "Bye bye. Be a good pirate ok Keira. I love you all, savvy?" and his hand fell.

Keira burst into tears, and Jack clasped Elizabeth's hand.

DoWn In HeLl…

"'ello." Jack said, to Cerberus. Memories came flying back to Cerberus.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT IN MY HELL, I SHALL NOT ACCEPT JACK SPARROWS AS LONG AS I'M ALIVE!"

"then send me back, but, when I'm done, make a reservation in heaven for me, or I'll come back again." Said Jack grinning.

"FINE. BEGONE!" and Jack was flung upwards yet again.

Up On EaRtH…

Elizabeth, Will and Keira and the crew of the Black Pearl were mourning. Suddenly, Jack sat up on the bed, "Where's me hat?"

The crew and everyone else drew back in fear. "I'm bloody alive. I scared the ninny outta Cerberus. He's cute. But they still have no rum." He muttered. Will passed him back his hat gingerly, which Jack brushed off and walked up straight. "ALRIGHT YE SCURY DOGS! MAN THE SAILS!" and at that, the crew scampered. "hullo Keira." He hugged his beloved daughter, and then Elizabeth and Will. He was home, and he wasn't leaving for a long time…

I know, this is really odd, but hey, I thought it would be a good breaker. REVIEW! PS, I don't really mind Shakespeare, or Britney, though I don't like her. So don't kill me for that.


End file.
